Sense Of Self: Why Do Some People Only Know Who They Are When They Are Playing A Role?

While there are some people who can change their behaviour if they need to, there are others who are unable to do so. When this happens, they can come across as the same no matter what is taking place.

​This is not to say that they won't have moments where their behaviour will change, but this will be the exception as opposed to the rule. As a result of this, they can be seen as someone who is only able to behave in a certain way.

Restricted

Now, just as certain tool is not got to be used for everything, it is also not going to be possible for one to express themselves through only behaving in a certain way. Thus, when one is in this position, it is going to cause them to hold themselves back.

In fact, it could mean that they are taken advantage of or even abused by others, and this means that one will be wide open. The behaviours they need to function in this world are then not going to be available.

From The Outside

Still, this doesn't mean that other people will always realise what is taking place, as they could believe that this is just what they are like. For example, if one comes across as easy going, there might be no reason for other people to find fault.

In this case, other people could generally find that they are easy to be around and this could be as far as it goes. One is then not causing any problems and so there is no reason for others to focus on their behaviour.

A Door Mat

But if someone does have something negative to say about their behaviour, it could relate to the moments when they get walked over by others. They could say that there are times when they don't need to be so easy going.

And how these are moments when it will be important for them t to be angry about what is happening to them and to stand their ground. One could receive this kind of feedback and reflect on it, or it could simply go over their head.

Another Experience

Alternatively, one could come across as the complete opposite, and this means that they are not going to let anyone walk over them. It can then be normal for them to be the one who walks over others.

They are going to have a strong connection to their anger, and this could be something that intimidates a lot of people. If others don't do as they say, it could be only a matter of time before they lose their cool.

Two Sides

The people they come into contact with can then see them as assertive and the kind of person who goes after what they want in life, or they can see them as someone who is overwhelming. It can then be normal for people to be drawn to them or to be repelled by them.

It is then going to be a challenge for one to be able to go with the flow from time to time and to let go. Therefore, one could have moments where they feel burnt out and then before long, they could go through the same experience again.

Relationships

When it comes to what their relationships are like, one could also find that they always play the same role. Perhaps one is the person who always takes charge and is the ‘responsible' one.

Alternatively, they could be the person who always allows someone else to do everything for them and is the ‘irresponsible' one. This can then mean that one feels the need to know everything and to always have the answers, or they could be the one doesn't know what to do in life and relies on other people's advice.

Rescue or Rescued

Therefore, one could be the person who is always recuing others, or they could be the person who is always being rescued. If one rescues others, it will likely to be what empowers them and allows them to feel as though they are on the right track.

Whereas if one is used to being rescued, this will be what empowers them and allows them to feel as though they are on the right track; at least in the beginning anyway. As time passes, the former is likely to feel used and the latter is likely to feel trapped.

A Role

However, although these behaviours and relationship dynamics (as well as many others) are going to stop one from being able to function as whole human being, it doesn't mean that one can simply change what is taking place. If one was to change their behaviour or to end up in a relationship where they are no longer played the same role, it could cause them to suffer in another way.

The experience one has can be similar to how someone feels when they have a midlife crisis; where someone can feel lost and as though they don't know who they are. One can feel as though they have lost a part of themselves, and in order for them to settle down once again, they could end up doing the same thing all over again.

What's going on?

If one was to take the time to think about what took place during their childhood years, they may find that what is taking place during their adult years is no different. During these early years, one may have been put in a role by their caregivers and this then stopped then from developing a sense of self.

One was then put in a position were they had to be a human doing as opposed to a human being. As a result of this, their true-self will have remained undeveloped and all they will have is a false-self.

Emptiness

As their true-self was not embraced and they had to develop a false-self in order to survive, it is not going to be possible for them to simply drop their role and to be themselves. When they no longer play the same role, they will end up coming into contact with the pain they experienced through not getting their developmental needs met and having to cover up their true-self.

But this doesn't mean that this pain will come up straight away, as one would simply feel empty in the beginning. This is because they could be disconnected from how they feel and it will then be normal for them to have this experience.

Awareness

If one can relate to this and they are no longer willing to play a role, it will be important for them to reach out for external support. This can be provided by a therapist and/or a support group.