Relationships: Do Some People's Childhoods Set Them Up To Expect Too Much From Others?

If one was to go shopping and they were to speak to someone who works in a store, it is highly unlikely that they will expect them to treat them like a close friend would. In fact, they might not know what to expect from them.

This is something that can all depend on how they are treated by the people they spend their time with. When one is treated well by these people, they could expect to be treated with respect by the people who work in these kinds of places.

The Other Side

Alternatively, if one is used to being treated badly by the people they spend their time with, they might expect the same treatment when they go out. This is then going to be what is normal and it is not going to stand out when other people treat them in the same way.

However, even if one is used to being treated well by the people they spend their time with, it doesn't mean that they will expect the same when they go out. This could be because they live somewhere where the customer service is not always good.

The Difference

Yet regardless of these different factors, it wouldn't be right for one to expect the people who work in shops to treat them in the same way that their close friends do. Along with this, they are not going to be able to do the things for them that their close friends would do.

These people are there to do a specific job and that's going to stop them from being able to do certain things. For example, they are not going to have the time to listen to what they have been doing or to go for a drink with them, for instance.

From Here

There is also going to be a difference when it comes to what one expects from their friends and what they expect from an intimate relationship. On a basic level, there will be needs that their friends meet and there will be needs that their partner meets.

When it comes to their physical needs, it is not going to be possible for their friends to meet them. At the same time, there could be other needs that their friends can meet but their partner cant.

For Example

One could have a hobby that their partner doesn't enjoy doing and it will then mean that they will need to find other people to do it with. This could have been something that was clear from the first time they met and so there will be no reason for them to get annoyed about it.

Their partner could also enjoy doing things that they don't enjoy and so it could be something that they can both relate to.  This could be seen as a part of a relationship and it is not something that can be avoided.

Similarities

This doesn't mean that there won't be a number of things that they can do together, as this is unlikely to be the case. It could be said that through there being differences when it comes to what they like, it will make their relationship more fulfilling.

One is also likely to find that although some of their friends enjoy doing everything they do, there are others that have other interests. Each friend they have is then going to play a different part in their life.

A Closer Look

And while there are going to be times when their friends can be there for them, there are also going to be times when they can't. Ultimately, they will have their own life to lead and so this is to be expected.

During these moments, one will need to find another friend to be there, or they might need to take care of their own needs. This is something that can all depend on what is taking place for them.

Intimacy

There will also be moments where their partner is unable to be there for them, but if this was the norm it might show that there is a problem. And the love and acceptance that they give them is not going to be unconditional either.

The other person is an individual with their own needs and values, and if they were to change or one changed, it could cause the relationship to come to an end. Growth is part of life and this is partly why relationships can't always last forever.

Part of Life

These are things that are part of life as an adult, and they are going to be radically different to the kinds of experiences one had whilst they were growing up. During these early years, their caregivers would have generally been there when they needed them, and their love and acceptance would have been unconditional.

But as an adult, their relationships are with people who also have their own needs and this is why they can't be the same. As a child, one's relationship with their caregivers was one-sided; their caregivers were there to take care of their needs and one didn't need to give them anything.

The Ideal

However, while this is how one should have experienced life when they were growing up, it doesn't mean that it is something they can relate to. This could have been a time where they had to be there for their caregivers.

As a result of this, their needs would have generally been overlooked and this will have caused them to be undeveloped. Their adult years can then be a time where they will expect others to give them what they didn't get during their childhood.

An Unconscious Process

Now, this is not to say that one reflects on what they didn't get as a child and then goes about trying to get it as an adult, as this is likely to be something that takes place outside of their awareness. One's unmet childhood needs will have a big effect on how they behave, and they are not going to realise that it is not possible for other adults to fulfil these needs.

This could also mean that one will have the tendency to attract people who are also in the same position, and this means that during the early stages of a relationship, each person will feel as though they have finally found someone who will give them what they didn't get growing up. But as time passes, the cracks will soon start to appear, and the emotional experience they had when their needs were not met as a child will come back to the surface.

Expectations

One could emotionally collapse and end up feeling angry, powerless, hopeless and ashamed, or they could disconnect from these feelings and experience rage and blame someone else for not taking care of their needs. The response they have can all depend on how they feel around them.

This is something that can take place if one's friends are not always there for them, or if their partner doesn't give them unconditional love and acceptance. As long as one continues to have unrealistic expectations, they will continue to suffer unnecessarily.

Awareness

If one can relate to this and they want to move forward, they might need to work with a therapist. During this time, they will need to grieve their unmet childhood needs, among other things.
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This will also allow one to develop boundaries, and this will enable them to see where they begin and end and where others begin and end. As when one doesn't have boundaries, it will be normal for them to see others as an extension of themselves as opposed to individuals with their own life to lead.